PetsMart and Patient Stories


I bought $204 dollars of stuff at PetsMart today. $30 of it was for two calming collars for my brother’s neurotic cat. The rest was dog food. I see other people similarily stocking up, taking advantage of the PetsMart Holiday sales, while their cutsie little lab mixes and cocker spaniels trot behind and the jack russells and chihuahuas pee excitedly in the shopping carts. The two giant bags of dog food they’re buying will last them 6-9 months (Shoot, might last the chihuahuas a year). I’ll be happy if I get two months out of the four bags I bought. FOUR 34lb bags of dog food. 136 lbs of dog food. Remus’s appetite is increasing because it’s getting cold outside again. We’re up to 10 cups of food a day. Actually, it’s midnight right now and I just put another four cups in his bowl, if he finishes it before morning it’ll be 14 cups of food in less than 24 hours. I’m contemplating buying a feedbag…

I shaved him a few days ago. His “Winter Cut”. i.e. I left the clippers on the longest guard and he now has uneven tufts sticking out where the blades bogged down. Not sure if it really improved his appearance too much, but he sheds a little less, his fur is softer, and he no longer looks like a shaggy poof on stick legs. Why he can’t grow a decent fur coat on his legs I will never understand. He just gets these ethereal whisps that trail out from his elbows and spike down his legs like the hair of a balding man attempting to gel spike his wrap around coif. Also, the shorter hair allows for better visualization of the jingle harness, oh yeah.

YES I will get pictures of him in his harness. I’m too proud of the construction of said harness not to post a few photes, but right now my camera battery is dead.

I’m still really not liking the whole “touch screen” smart phone. It doesn’t “touch” where I touch it. It’s always a few milimeters off. If they’re going to make the touch buttons that darn tiny they should work on calibrating the sensors. I’m tired of typing text messages half a letter to the right to get them to make any sense. Otherwise, my text messages “qiyls kiij kujw rgua” (“would look like this”). Irritating.

Funny Things Patients (or their family) say and/or do.

“I’ve only had two beers.” HA! Tell that to your car we’re attempting to peel out of a tree, or reassemble like a jig saw puzzle, or disassemble with the jaws of life….

Spouse-angrily, to me, while I’m listening to his wife’s lungs. “You don’t understand asthma.” Really? Then why did you call me? You’ve got three cars in your driveway and a valid drivers license, YOU take her.

Pt’s mom, “I put the cream on the rash at noon today, and he’s been fussy that it burns ever since.” …it is NOW  4am and pt (toddler) is sound asleep on her shoulder, but she wants him transported…by ambulance…to the ER…for………?

Frequent flyer pt: “I just want some pain medicine, I hurt so bad.” (This is her usual complaint) she continues “can’t y’all give me something?” We respond, “Ibuprofen?” she responds, “If they put me in the front I’m just gonna sign myself out.” We respond, “Then why do you want to go?” She responds, “It’s all those other people that go to the ER for no good reason that make the wait so long!”  Ah, sweet irony.

VERY heavy lady with a sinus infection who literally can’t sit up in her bed without assistance, calling all of her friends with the succinct message, “Ahhh, Diva’s Down! Diva’s down…”

Pt: “I think I’m having an allergic reaction to a cat.” Nurse: “where was the cat, did it touch you?” Pt: “No, I saw it cross the yard. I just want to make sure I’m not having trouble breathing.” ……………….

“Do you have any medical problems?” “No.” “Do you take any medications on a regular basis?” “Yes. Lisinopril, HCTZ, Synthroid, Zoloft, Crestor, Insulin…” (Translation: Hypertension, hypothyroidism, depression, hyperlipidemia, diabetes…)

AH, and I had forgotten about this one. Assault call where patient was in back with my partner (pt had injured knee or something) and pt’s girlfriend rode up front with me and regaled me with the whole convoluted often changing story. It ended with her deciding to check into the ER herself for a bite to her toes from a vicious stripper….yup, vicious stripper toe bites.

That’s all for now 🙂


One response »

  1. haha hahahahaha hhhhaaaaaaa! I love your job. So much that I tell other people your stories – was getting a mani/pedi on Saturday and told the lady about "saggy boobs" and "cut mouth on a taco." She was incredulous.


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