Boy, it’s been awhile since posting on here, lo siento. I’ve had my hands full, obviously, so other pastimes have fallen by the wayside. Right now Auntie Jessica and Grandma K are taking turns holding the sleeping munchkin, so I have a few minutes to myself…and there’s the rub.
My older sister gave me a “List of Tens” of things pertaining to motherhood, starting with 10 Songs to Sing (that aren’t too high) for middle of the night wake ups and including 10 Lessons Learned by a Newbie Parent among other great sections. One of my favorites is, and I quote: “Everyone will tell you, “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” Adults aren’t wired that way. You do need to sleep whenever you get the chance but there will likely be times that the best thing you can do for your mental health is to do a puzzle or take a walk or watch a movie-something relaxing, but not necessarily sleeping. Do it.”
I’m pretty tired, not gonna lie, but I also realized I’m beginning to feel a little lost. For 40 weeks and 2 days I haven’t felt like “myself” due to the hormonal fluctuations and body changes that accompanies pregnancy. For the past three weeks I haven’t had much of a chance to even contemplate how I feel (“like myself” or “not like myself”) first the hormones and body changes aren’t over, then the first week home was spent stressed about bilirubin levels, and finally since I’m breastfeeding I’m the on demand buffet that needs to be available 24/7.
Don’t get me wrong, I am loving being a mom. I love all the cute noises he makes (anyone else have children that snored as babies? I can’t get over the snoring, it still makes me laugh) and the snuggles, the funny faces, the random limb flailing-he keeps me well entertained. I really don’t mind the diapers, and my favorite part about breastfeeding (sorry if this is TMI!) is when he gets all excited, scrunches his nose up, opens his mouth as wide as he can with his head flung back, pauses slightly for emphasis (I swear he does this on purpose) and then munches down with as much in his mouth as he possibly can, it’s dramatic and hilarious. Being a mom so far has been wonderful! So much so, I have a hard time passing him over for other people to hold…
But, there was a time when I wasn’t a mom. And it wasn’t all that long ago, but I can’t remember how it went. Now, when I pass of my bundle of comedy to another relative to enjoy, I find myself thinking about my sister’s advice and wondering “what do I do NOW?” She’s absolutely right, I can’t always sleep every time Cade is sleeping, but I need to find something that I enjoy doing, I need to find that other ME again. I’m so thankful that he is an “easy baby” and has made transitioning into motherhood relatively smooth for me, but I don’t want to lose who I am…er…was? I miss myself, haha. I know, and welcome, the fact that I will never be the same again (seriously, people who warn you that “everything is going to change!” like it’s something horrible are ridiculous. Yes, everything is going to change. Thank goodness. Who the heck wants to remain exactly the same throughout life?! Your warning is stupid.) but that doesn’t mean I have to completely morph into some strange diaperbag toting sap who has no other interests besides her children. I want Cade to have parents who model being true to themselves, so that he is encouraged (like I was encouraged by my parents) to be true to himself as he gets older.
To that affect, I am initiating a rescue mission (spearheaded by my husband…spearheaded…husband…haha, I crack myself up) to find and integrate parts of who I was pre-mommy, to rebalance who I am now, so that I don’t end up neurotic and unhealthily obsessed with my own progeny to the detriment of all involved. The beginning? Brian and I are going for a walk. Just us. Without the munchkin or the dog. I will even wear real clothing instead of pajamas and pump beforehand so that I don’t have to worry about Cade waking up hungry and not having anything to eat while I’m gone.
I’m also signing up for a 5k in June. Goodness I miss running!
Here’s hoping I find myself again soon so Cade doesn’t have a mentally lopsided mommy…and I’m sure daddy will appreciate the new balance as well. 🙂