Smart Mommy


WARNING! This post contains a lot about breastfeeding. If this topic weirds you out or makes you uncomfortable please don’t read, I won’t be offended. If you do continue reading and are subsequently grossed out or offended, well, you’re not the brightest crayon in the box are you?


Breast feeding is by far the STRANGEST thing I have ever done. Yeah, yeah, it’s “all natural” and “perfectly designed for your baby!” and all that, but having a tiny creature suck bodily fluid out of my breasts on a regular basis still seems weird to me. Lets be honest, besides hoping my breast milk somehow endows my child with super powers, the biggest nursing motivators is I’m cheap and lazy. Breast milk is free and I don’t have to warm a bottle every few hours. I’ve also discovered that there are a wide range of benefits as far as baby wrangling goes. Feeding stimulates the intestines so it helps the munchkin move things along and nursing specifically seems to have a calming affect. In fact, I use my boobs as a solution for most things infant. Smart Phones have Apps, well, I have  Boobs.

Fussy baby? I have a Boob for that.

Gassy baby? I have a Boob for that.

Hiccuping baby? Yep, got a Boob for that.

Hungry baby? Well, duh, I have a Boob for that, too.


There are a few things specifically Cade that I’m unsure if they”re normal for all babies or are less common among most infants. For one, he snorts. Honest to goodness deep snorts, not cute little grunts (though he does those to). He also can -and often does-shriek while eating. These shrieks/birdcalls are louder than his usual crying. He has managed to suction his nostrils to my boob if I’m not paying close attention (yet another odd sensation that comes with breastfeeding). And you know how everyone tells you to look for early feeding signs like rooting? Cade doesn’t root, he head bangs against my sternum/collarbone like he”s at a Metallica concert. Also, I swear his first word is going to be “piddlefarting” because often he’  just mouths my nipple a bunch before actually latching so I tell him he’s piddlefarting around. Recently he’s taken to licking my nipple. Some people call their kids “ankle biters” I call mine “nipple licker.” Awkward!


Speaking of awkward, breastfeeding has brought back my prepubescent irritation with guys being allowed to go topless but not girls. Especially since I now actually have a legitimate need to bare my chest periodically and Cade hates the cover. If I could just quietly slip a boob out and pop it into his mouth without having to worry about nipple exposure it’d make life a lot easier.


Alright, this post could be edited, tidied, and made much more cohesive, but it’s 11pm and Cade isn’t asleep yet. That’s ok, I’ve got a Boob for that…


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